Everard's Twinkle

Well, last week my friend, Everard took a job with the council painting white lines in the middle of the road. This was all because Dr. Tizzard had said he should get out more into the fresh air and get a job with a bit of bending as he needed to tighten the back of his legs up.

I saw him yesterday in the middle of the road, paint brush in hand, bending over in a ballet position. Then as I walked up behind him I saw something twinkle at me. 'Everard,' I said 'What a funny place to put a cats-eye!, whose idea was it to stitch it to the seat of your trousers?'

He said, 'Well, I'm afraid of being bumped from behind when I'm bending over at dusk, I had a near miss yesterday whilst I was painting NO ENTRY on the contraflow outside The Whippet Inn, at least now they can see me.'

'Yes, ' I said 'But you can't go into the Friend In Hand with that stuck on your trousers.'

'Why not indeed?' he said. 'It's a talking point. I'm thinking of having one sewn on the front as well, they're only like big sequins.'

'Everard,' I said 'I shall never understand you if I wait from now until my lettuce comes up. Sometimes your shyness itself, then all of a sudden you seem to welcome a pointed finger. Come along, put your brush away, I've been keeping something warm for you in the oven all afternoon, faggots and peas.'

Well, I've never seen anyone move so quickly, and within ten minutes he was sitting in front of my fire using his fork like a steam shovel.

'Everard,' I said 'Calm down, there's peas all over the carpet. You were never like this when we used to have afternoon tea at the Gypsy Cream Cafe, it used to take you half an hour to nibble through a drop scone. You're eating as if the worlds going to end tomorrow, two days after you last came round I swear I found an old faggot behind my lazy susan.'