You've had your chance

Well there you go, you had your chance and now you've missed it. A wonderful prize could have been winging its way to you if you'd have contacted me as the 1000th visitor. Heigh ho.

By some strange twist of fate I turned out to win the competition whilst checking my own blog! How's that for lucky. Mind you I always did have a way with these things, I can often tell when the phone is going to ring and my knees always shake when something big is approaching. I think it's because my mother once had a bit of gypsy in her.

I could hardly give myself one of my own pictures so I decided to give myself an afternoon tea as a treat. Well, I was going to have to put a bit of a spread on anyway because I had a young chap coming round who'd written to me from St. Helens. I was in two minds whether to do and stand up running or a sit down fingers. He'd seen me in a play there many years ago called 'A Face At The Window', I'm surprised he remembered me because we took fourpence all week!

That's him in the picture, he was quite a smiler, and seemed a lovely lad, his mother runs a wool shop just outside Cleveleys. He was on his way to see her because he'd just run out of Chinchilla Sunrise one sleeve off finishing a bolero jacket. We had a lovely chat and the afternoon just flew by, before you knew it my local pub 'The Friend In Hand' had opened so we popped out after the lardy cake for a small port and lemon.

I insisted on getting the drinks in and handed him a £10 note, I went to get my favourite seats in the snug between the signed Alma Cogan and the Winnifred Atwell whilst he got the drinks. Well I waited and waited and thought he must have got lost because there was no one in to speak of, only Fred who sits next to the radiator with his puzzler.

That was when I realised he'd gone.

Along with my £10.

And my knees didn't shake once.

1000th Visitor

I'm sorry there isn't a picture today. Blogger wouldn't upload and I've not the patience to wait in this heat. I haven't waited since an incident in 1938 when I was on tour with Ivory Pete. He used to play old shanty songs on his teeth with his fingernails. He was very good as well, If you closed your eyes you could smell the sea. Heigh ho.

Anyway, I don't know what to do in this weather, I don't know if it's monday, tuesday, next wednesday or half day closing I really don't. Mind you Slack gets it hard in this weather, She does, her legs swell up and resemble a couple of bolsters.

It's her little dog I feel sorry for though, cooped up in that house with all the windows closed for fear of the gas man catching her in. I remember when she bought that dog, little long haired mexican it was. I said to her 'Slack, thats not right, all that long hair, they should have short hair them dogs, get yourself down to Boots the cash chemist and ask for something to get rid of the hairs.' Well Slack did as I said and went down to Boots, she asked the man if he had anything for little short hairs, as it happened he didn't but he kindly offered to mix her something up and told her to come back in half an hour.

Half an hour later Slack popped back and the chemist said 'Right, what you want to do is spread this thinly all over your legs. . . . ' she stopped him right there.

'Oh,' she said ' It's not for my legs, it's for my little chihuaha'

'Well in that case,' he said 'Don't ride your bike for a fortnight!'

Any road, that's not what I was going to say, I noticed I've almost reached a 1000 visitors, not many I know but I'm what you call a niche market. If you can prove to me your the 1000'th visitor, god knows how, a special prize will be winging its way to you. I'm not sure of the prize as yet but I'll have a rummage around and see whats lying in the prop box.

I've a very nice picture of me looking just like Lou Ayers in 'All Quiet on The Western Front'.

After the accident

Well after Maud dropped the plaster Alsatian on her good foot the presents didn't stop there, because when she went into hospital we had another whip round and raised money to buy her a pair of white crutches so that she could be seen in the dark.

Sadly they only had black ones, and the day after she came out of the hospital she was knocked down by a car - well, if the truth were told, she wasn't exactly knocked down by it, it was parked and she walked into the back of it. But there you are, heigh ho. Anyway, the cottage hospital were quite good, they put her back in the same ward and even gave her the same bed, in fact it was still warm. Some of the other patients hadn't even realised she'd been gone.

Everard and I visited her the next day and there she was , lying in bed looking like Helen Twelvetrees in the film Panama Flo.

'Maud,' I said 'I've never seen you looking so well. I like the new hat.'

'Thank you,' She said 'It should have more feathers than this but some dropped off on the stretcher when they slid their equiptment into me, I felt as though I was being banged from all angles.'

'Well, fancy that, You'd never guess from where I'm standing. Now then, here are some grapes, and try not to swallow the pips, they should keep you going until we find your dentures, we had a look around the back of that triumph herald but only found a half eaten sherbert dib dab. And by the way, Everard here has brought a tin of white paint and he's going to do your crutches. He's already put a white line down the middle of your garden path so you can make the front gate safely, and when we get back he's going to put a ring round your dustbin.'

'Well, she was overcome, especially when Everard pulled out his pudding. You see, he'd stayed up all night into the early hours making it for her as a surprise, and I always remember his voice throbbing with emotion as he said,

'Here you are, Maud, get your gums round that.'

Maud and her legs

It's been quite a week with one thing and another. Maud Shadbolt has retired from the Gem Theatre (they only show coloured films, none of this black and white). She was always banging her legs on the back of the seats and had some terrible scars from the ashtrays. And the job didn't do much for her eyesight either, she always used to say that the only time she ever saw the sun was when they played a film like Beau Geste.

Poor old Maud, she was as fragile as a ha'penny hairnet, and there was nothing of her - if she turned sideways you had a job to see her. She's been an usherette since the place opened in 1914, and she still didn't know where her feet were leading her! She was alright when she was taking people down to their seats, but she was always tripping over the steps on the way back. It was worse during the war as she had the idea of putting black card over half of the torch lens to save on the batteries.

Anyway, she's packed it all in now and a good job too as in three weeks she's back in hospital having her foot seen to. At her farewell party, I remember seeing the look of surprise on her face when she received her presents. Slack gave her a new ironing board and coal scuttle. Apricot lil gave her a set of cast iron saucpans. Bert the projectionist gave her a root from his hawthorn and a roll of nearly new lino. And Everard and I gave her one of those large plaster alsatians. unfortunately before she could thank us she dropped it on her good foot.

Heigh ho.

Pineapple Pete

Well, Percy and Lil got married on Saturday and a lovely day was had by all. I didn't get much of a chance to chat to them as they had to dash away on their honeymoon, well, I say honeymoon but they're just having three days in Bolsover, then they have to come back because Percy is due to have two teeth out and Lil needs her ears syringing.

But we all stayed on and danced the night away till the drink ran out at about half past eight. What a treat to see Slack up and enjoying herself after all these years without her Willy. It reminded me of years back when Slack had a crush on the local bandleader, Pineapple Pete and his pearldivers. I always remember him because he had the biggest feet I'd ever seen. Slack said that was probably because he came from somewhere were they didn't have shoes and his feet had spread, but she was in a lovers trance and I have a suspicion the last thing she was thinking about was the size of his feet.

You see, it all started one night when he picked her out twice in a spot waltz, and she's never been picked out before. And afterwards she said that he'd been looking at her all night with a glint in his eye, and Slack never forgot him. In fact this morning she called me and said 'Laz, I wonder if Pineapple Pete ever went back to his island in the sun? I shall never forget how he looked at me.'

Well, I jut couldn't answer her. How could I tell her, after all these years, that his real name was Fred Crutchin, he was a steamboiler welder and had a glass eye?